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INHABITING MYSELF

ENG - I, Dolores, believe that I grow when I inhabit places that I never thought I would feel part of. Growing up is understanding that inhabiting moments of discomfort is a part of me too and that so far in my life I have not inhabited enough of what I have in me.

Inhabit my name with love. Pains ( Dolores).

Inhabit my sorrows with pain.

Inhabit other people's skin with respect, also my own.

Inhabit my interior, to tattoo it on my exterior.

Inhabit my wickedness as something that passes through me, transitory and has no space to stay inside. The poison has to be temporary, like sensations and emotions. The pain is necessary.

Inhabit the ground that supports me, walk on the paper that I write in.

I used to want to be a writer, but I was not ready to inhabit the paper that bordered on. I still want to be one because I'm not ready to live with who I was when I gave up on that idea. I also don't know if being ready exists, or if it's just an excuse not to act according to my dream.

I never stopped writing, I always turned tears into ink. Whether they were happy or sad, both drew a stream, and this became a river, and a sea, and many times it felt like an ocean. But so much water sometimes made me drown because I couldn't stand up. You have to live up to yourself. My interior comes out to see the light, the visceral becomes the surface that reflects the ephemeral depth, and not seeing the bottom sometimes makes us want to float longer.

Without knowing it, I became a writer, because I never let my tongue go further than my hand. The words sometimes come out like a vomit, involuntary, raw, they do not know how to lie, because so much impulsiveness in the stroke makes them immune to the reading of others. And knowing that I alone inhabit them as I please gives me great pleasure.

I didn't want to be an artist, and even so I began to study, to dirty my clothes, my hands, my face, my skin. Unwantingly wanting I am one.

Beyond endlessly exploring and studying, many times I did not feel ready to inhabit the places where matter makes me download. I do it in fear sometimes, knowing that one false step can ruin my life's work, as if nothing else existed. But inhabiting that misstep gives me space to create something amazing, and in doing so, I am invincible to myself. The only thing that defeats me is my own essence that grows with what I go through.

I used to want to be an archaeologist, but I wasn't ready to inhabit the discomfort that the profession required of me. Archaeological diver...

I used to want to be a landscaper, a dancer, an actress, a geologist, a cartographer, a chef…

I used to want to be all those women and unintentionally wanting it I inhabit them in my own way, in my work, in my art.

I used to want to be someone else, but when I inhabit those moments as someone else, I tried to walk in those shoes, they were too small for me. I felt that I should be on my own feet, those that supported me all this time and brought me here….


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